The Science of Helpful Conversations
No one taught us how to help.
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Editor’s note: The origins of this piece lie in The Whole Truth’s WhatsApp community groups. One of our members asked for help with a problem she was facing. Many offered ideas and solutions, leaving her feeling overwhelmed. Then Natasha Zorana stepped in with an anti-message of sorts, explaining how this style of ‘helping’ with immediate solutions doesn’t really help.
Her insight made many of us think, and so I immediately asked Natasha, a behaviour change specialist, to write about better ways to have conversations on health for us. That’s the article for today.
Natasha is a behaviour change specialist who supports people in closing the gap between “I want to change/I know what to do” and “I did it”. She also trains qualified nutritionists in behaviour change science and skills in the growth academy. To read more about behaviour change science and skills from her, check out “How to Change“. You can reach her at zorananatasha@gmail.com.
Have you ever been cornered at a family gathering by a relative eager to share their latest health problems? Or had a friend casually drop a loaded question about their mysterious symptoms over coffee?
We’ve all been there, and many of us have done the same thing: channel our inner Sherlock to solve the mystery by giving a list of potential causes or solutions. We want to help, and what better way than to offer solutions, right?
Behaviour change science tells a different story.
When someone says, “I have trouble sleeping,” our brain goes: “Me! I know this!”…ready to deliver a crash course in everything from supplements to stress management.
That’s the Fixing Reflex, or the irresistible urge to jump in with advice and solutions.
We do this not because we’re trying to show off (well, mostly not), but because we genuinely want to help. It’s our natural desire to help others, especially when they seem to be struggling.
But are we really helping?
Not really. Because this fixing reflex often leaves the other person feeling unheard, overwhelmed, or defensive.
And it is not our fault. Because everyone taught us we should help others, but no one ever taught us “how” to help.
How do we respond to truly help someone? What does research recommend?
As a behaviour change specialist, I have trained in and applied behaviour change science since 2012 to help my clients make their toughest changes, including physical health.
I have seen a huge gap between peoples’ plans/information and actions. Between “I want to change/I know what to do” and “I’m actually doing it”. I have learnt from both science and experience that how a helper responds to a person is one of the main factors that predicts that person’s behaviour change.
Here are three examples of the generally unhelpful and generally helpful responses.
Example 1: The “Gym Exhaustion”
Your friend says:
“Lately, I feel completely wiped out after the gym. I’m barely making it through my workouts.”
The Unhelpful Response
You swoop in with enthusiasm: “Are you sure you’re eating enough protein? Iron? Maybe it’s your sleep. Could be overtraining, cortisol or something else. Have you checked your thyroid?”
This is where you accidentally turn into the Human Checklist. It’s like your friend ordered a simple coffee and got served a seven-course meal (with a side of existential crisis), wondering if they need to Google endocrinologists and squeeze in a full-body scan before their next gym session.
The Helpful Response
You reflect with empathy: “It must be frustrating. Maybe confusing too. You’re not sure what’s going on with your energy.” (Downward voice inflection. Not a question)
Friend: “Yeah, I’m exhausted! I’m skipping meals with all the stress from work. I don’t even have time to sleep properly.” (Feels understood. Shares context/ story)
You: “You’ve got a lot on your plate, and yet you’re committed to being active and getting your exercise. (Spotlight on Superpower.) You mentioned missed meals, sleep and stress. What do you think might be affecting your energy most?” (Open question)
Friend: “All of it. But probably the lack of sleep the most.” (Solution emerges.)
Aha! Your friend made the connection themselves. The shift here? You resisted the temptation to fix and instead let them drive.
Example 2: The “Snack Attack”
Co-worker mentions over lunch:
“I can’t stop snacking in late evenings. It’s like I lose all control after dinner.”
The Unhelpful Response
You immediately start problem-solving: “Even I used to do it! You should try brushing your teeth right after dinner – that always works for me. Or maybe keep some carrot sticks around for when you get the craving. Have you considered setting an alarm to remind yourself not to eat after 8 PM?”
Cue internal sigh from your coworker. They have been handed another rulebook of anti-snacking regulations without consent.
“Kya yaar. Now I’ll have to explain why carrot sticks and toothpaste don’t work for me.”
The Helpful Response
You reflect your understanding: “(nodding)…almost as if it’s automatic. You don’t even know how it happens until after it has happened.” (continuing the paragraph reflection)
Co-worker: “That’s so true! After work, I’m so drained. I go home. Watch TV and just snack. Maybe I’m using food to unwind?” (Solution emerges)
The shift here? Instead of telling them what worked for you, you helped them explore what might work for them.
Example 3: The “Mysterious Symptoms”
Your relative drops a casual, yet loaded statement at a family dinner:
“I’ve been having these weird headaches lately. Do you think I should be worried?”
The Unhelpful Response
You jump into lecturing mode: “Headaches can be caused by so many things. Stress is a major factor these days. You really should learn to relax more. Maybe try meditation or yoga. And don’t forget to stay hydrated – most people don’t drink enough water.”
Your relative probably feels like they’ve just been teleported to a class on Lifestyle Management 101 they didn’t sign up for. They just got information they don’t know how to use.
The Helpful Response
You reflect curiously: “Headaches feel so uncomfortable. I guess you’re concerned about what yours might mean.” (Reflection, not a question.)
Relative: “Very uncomfortable. I’ve never had headaches like this before. They usually hit in the afternoon when I’m at work, and I can barely focus.” (Feels heard. Shares more.)
You: “Painful! Must be really impacting your work. What are your thoughts on what might be triggering these weird headaches?” (Reflection followed by an open question.)
Relative: “Now that I think about it, I’ve been staring at my computer screen a lot more lately with this new project. Maybe that’s related?” (Solution emerges.)
The shift here? You created a space for your relative to explore their own situation. No lecture required.
What’s Happening in the Unhelpful Responses?
You fell into one of these twelve roadblocks to active listening and unintentionally blocked real communication.
So… What About The Helpful Responses?
You know how when talking to some people, you feel like you are the only person in their world? You feel seen, understood, unstuck, confident…almost superhuman.
Well, those magical conversations aren’t just happy accidents. Scientists have been studying these transformative chats for decades. They’ve uncovered an evidence-based way of talking with people about change. It’s called Motivational Interviewing, or MI for short. And that’s where our helpful responses come from.
MI is not about becoming an expert who has all the answers. Nor is it about learning only the techniques to manipulate people into changing. It is about embodying a true helper’s spirit in our hearts and creating a space where people can reflect, explore, and change on their own terms.
This helper’s spirit has a catchy name, too, called PACE. Which stands for:
- Partnership: We collaborate together as equal partners.
- Acceptance: We respect the other person’s autonomy and choices.
- Compassion: We genuinely do what’s best for them.
- Empowerment: We evoke their superpowers.
When we approach conversations with this spirit, we naturally avoid the fixing reflex and create an environment where real growth and change can flourish.
So, how do we put this spirit of MI into practice?
Putting It Into Practice
Many years ago, before I discovered MI, I used to be a walking encyclopaedia with all my degrees and certificates.
“Why don’t they just do what I’m suggesting?” I’d wonder. I gave a lot of advice and perfect plans and followed up daily (for “accountability”). Yet, people didn’t change…at least not for long. It felt like a wrestling match where I was pro-change, and they were against change. I felt burnt out.
Today, I’m a happy helper, a smooth dancing partner for people to create long-lasting behaviour changes.
If you would like to stop wrestling and enjoy dancing with people, then I’ve got five evidence-based moves to start with:
- The “I see you”: “Oh! There’s my fixing reflex again! I see you, old friend. How human of me to want to fix this person’s problem.”
- The “Hmmmmmm” of curiosity: Instead of “Here’s the answer”, think “Hmmm..what’s the real question & context?” To find out, use reflections, not questions. (See the three examples above). People will start sharing their stories.
- The “Spotlight” on Superpowers: Take every opportunity to evoke, reflect and affirm their helpful ideas, values, identities, skills, and strengths.For example: “It’s amazing how self-aware you are about your situation.”
- The “Knock-Knock”: Get permission before giving advice.“Would it be helpful to hear what others in similar situations have found useful?”If they agree, offer neutral options, not commands. “Some people try X, Y, or Z. Which, if any, resonates with you?”
- The “Bouquet”: Summarise key points at the end like a beautiful bouquet for them. “We started with…It was important to you because…You decided to do… Excited to see how it goes!”
What Will You Choose?
True help isn’t about proving that we have the best answers. It’s about creating the space for others to find what’s best for them.
Think about it: The health industry is filled with solutions—there are fitness apps, nutrition programs, coaches, and endless content! But people are still struggling more than ever to make lasting changes.
Why? Because most solutions use the fixing reflex, not evidence-based help. So the next time someone shares something with you: Will you choose the unhelpful fixing reflex? Or will you choose to respond in a way that might actually make a difference?
