My Antidepressant Diaries: A Love-Hate Story of Healing

Editor’s note: Welcome to Truth Be Told, a weekly food and fitness newsletter published by The Whole Truth Foods. All of us will agree that more people need to talk about navigating mental health in the modern world. In today’s edition, Uddhav Parab does just that, as he offers a raw and honest account of his transformative journey with SSRIs and their impact on his life, relationships, and sense of self.

Uddhav is a Creative Director, a stand-up comic, and a long-distance runner with a bad knee based out of Mumbai. You can find him on LinkedIn, Twitter, and Instagram.

Please share this with a friend who might find this helpful. For any other thoughts or feedback, feel free to reply to this email.

— Samarth Bansal

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I was an academically gifted, physically stunted child. I could devour entire books in hours and articulate arguments that left both parents and teachers stumped. Holding my attention was difficult, and making friends was even harder.

Any trained psychologist could see I needed help, but like most kids of my generation, if my grades were good, I was considered good. My mental health issues stayed hidden, following me into adulthood.

Despite my struggles with anxiety and imposter syndrome, I managed to excel professionally. Advertising wasn’t hard to crack when you’ve spent your life observing people from the sidelines. I got my first full-time job before earning my college degree. Eventually, I got to work on brands like Netflix, Prime Video, Tinder, and even representing India at Cannes Lions. I also pursued stand-up comedy multiple times a week.

However, my mental health issues persisted, and I found myself using work and running to exhaust myself into sleeping. When COVID hit, I was forced to confront my issues head-on. I couldn’t run my way out of it to score that dopamine hit or get on stage for serotonin or validation.

I did what most responsible adults do: I Googled my symptoms. Anxiety and depression popped up, but it didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t be anxious or depressed, could I?

I started seeing a therapist who helped me realise that what passed as precociousness as a child were also symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

After nearly a year in therapy, my mood, perspective, self-esteem—whatever you call it—improved, but my sleep issues persisted. I would spiral, toss and turn, and carry the sourness of my overthinking and the soreness of my body into my days.

My therapist suggested it was time to talk to a psychiatrist and consider medical intervention. The idea of taking antidepressants felt odd to me. A stand-up comic with anxiety and depression? It seemed like a cliché.

Then my therapist explained that being on antidepressants or SSRIs is like needing an asthma pump or insulin. If you don’t judge others for their body’s chemical needs, you shouldn’t judge yourself either. With this perspective, I finally gave in and saw a psychiatrist.

SSRIs and Their Impact

The psychiatrist prescribed SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) to help with my trouble sleeping, which was tied to my Anxious Personality Disorder, depressogenic tendencies, and being on the Autism Spectrum.

For starters, SSRIs are a type of antidepressant that works by increasing the levels of serotonin, a chemical messenger in the brain that helps regulate mood. They do this by preventing the reuptake (reabsorption) of serotonin, leaving more of it available in the brain. This can help improve mood and reduce anxiety levels.

The first night I took my medication, I slept like a baby. I felt at ease, and life’s challenges didn’t seem as personal or overwhelming. Over the next few months, my psychiatrist and I worked to figure out the right dosage for me. I noticed a significant difference in my overall well-being and perspective.

Everyone of a certain age would tell me I had to just wake up early to figure it all out (‘jaldi utho, sab thik ho jaayega’), never mind the fact that I couldn’t sleep a wink. So, I kept friends and family in the dark about being on medication. I feared judgment from those who believed that only the “weak-willed” needed medication.

Emotions on Mute

While my sleep cycle improved, my life cycle went a little astray. One of the most prominent side effects I experienced was emotional blunting, a common occurrence where individuals on SSRIs feel a dampening of their emotions.

It was as if the medication put a filter on my emotions, preventing me from fully experiencing any feelings. When my best friend cried while watching Call Me By Your Name, I could nod and comfort them, but I couldn’t shed a tear. When I got promoted, I was happy but not punching the air or throwing a party for my friends. When my brother and sister-in-law told me I was going to be an uncle, I had a measured response.

I could feel emotions, but I’d never drown in them. Everything happens to you, yet you’re a little distanced from reality.

Hungry for More for Once

Another significant change was my appetite. For the first time in 30 years, I had a real appetite. When you’re depressed or anxious, your body is in a bizarre fight-or-flight mode, ignoring hunger.

With SSRIs, I could relax more and eat as much as my body required, which led to weight gain despite working out. My doctor explained that without medication, my body had spent so much energy on being anxious that it never focused on nutrition properly.

We Aren’t Bringing Sexy Back

SSRIs also affected my sex life. More than half of patients who take SSRIs report some sexual problems, including low levels of sexual desire or arousal, erectile dysfunction, and difficulty achieving orgasm.

I recall a brief scenario where my then partner enjoyed that my anorgasmia let me last way longer in bed. But when they realised I couldn’t orgasm, they felt I wasn’t attracted to them or in love with them.

This entire issue made me anxious… and if you don’t see the irony in how my anxiety meds got me here, I’m sorry, but you’re missing the plot of the sex comedy of the 21st century.

Excuses, Excuses

Socialising while on SSRIs presented its challenges. It’s common knowledge not to mix SSRIs with alcohol, which makes social occasions awkward. I found myself constantly making excuses for not drinking, worried about how to explain my situation to others.

Imagine meeting someone every two weeks and having to come up with new reasons why you can’t have more than one drink.

“How come you’re always on antibiotics?”

“How many root canals do you even have, bro?”

It was a hassle, and I often bit my tongue and ordered another tonic water to avoid the conversation.

Learn to Mine the Dopamine

Despite these challenges, I found that exercise played a crucial role in enhancing the effectiveness of my medication. My doctor told me right from the start that if I wanted the medication to work better, I needed to work out more.

It was as if the medication had a steroidal effect on my body’s ability to generate serotonin and dopamine. Every time I moved my body, I generated lactate and endocannabinoids, which helped counter anxiety and depression.

When I ran 18 kilometres randomly on a weekend, the single-minded focus of running kept automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) away. The rush of endorphins and the sense of accomplishment were unparalleled.

I often thought that once the pandemic was over, I could go back to running, working from the office, and performing live on stage, and my anxiety would be under control.

However, I realise now that I was running to escape from my anxiety, tiring myself out to get a few hours of broken, restless sleep. Not directly addressing my anxiety only made it stronger.

My doctor was right—my medication worked better when I exercised more. Every time I had a good, sweaty workout, whether it was strength training, a 28-day challenge, or an hour-long walk, the combination of physical activity and SSRIs was powerful in managing my mental health.

Make no mistake: exercise is not a replacement for medication. Imagine someone so depressed they can’t even leave their bed. Without medication, they wouldn’t have the energy, appetite, or motivation to work out.

And without the workout, the medication won’t have the optimised effect either. Using exercise to counter clinical anxiety or depression is like trying self-medication. It may work, but if you need help, then get help.

Don’t Abruptly Stop

You can’t get SSRIs without a prescription, and you shouldn’t decide to stop taking them without consulting your doctor. Abruptly stopping SSRIs can lead to withdrawal symptoms and undo months of progress.

I’ve seen enough friends and family try to quit SSRIs on a whim, only to face severe consequences. Your psychiatrist will likely suggest discussing stopping your medication after you’ve been feeling better for at least six months.

Research has shown that people who are doing well on antidepressants are more likely to become depressed again if they stop taking them.

But everyone is different, so it’s important to discuss your specific situation with your doctor before deciding to stop your medication. They will advise you on how to taper off gradually, giving your body and mind the time they need to acclimatise to a life without SSRIs.

If someday you feel like the medication isn’t working as it should, don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor. They can help you adjust your dosage or explore alternative treatment options.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that exercise, such as a good long run, can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety.

In The End…

SSRIs are life-changing and life-saving for many, as they have been for me. But, like finding the perfect job or date, finding the right medication requires effort and patience.

SSRIs are not a quick fix; it took me one to two months to start seeing positive effects, and that was after finding the right dosage. You need to find the right doctor and work with them to pinpoint the right medication. Every drug comes with side effects, but in my experience, the pros outweigh the cons.

My journey has been deeply personal and transformative. While the side effects were challenging at times, the benefits of better sleep, more balanced moods, and reduced anxiety have been invaluable.

However, I recognize the journey with SSRIs is highly individualised, and what worked for me may not work for others. It’s important to remember that not everyone responds to SSRIs or any medication at all.

But there’s no way to know ahead of time how someone will respond to medication, so expect a period of trial and error. We don’t fully understand how they work, and after stopping, some people never experience depression again, while others relapse.

With the right support and perseverance, many can find a path to better mental health, just as I did. It’s crucial to approach the process with patience and self-compassion, understanding that it may take time and effort to find the right treatment.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and with the proper support, growth and healing are possible.

And, like the true runner who’s also a Murakami fan, I’ll remind you all this. Looking after your mental health is not an overnight process. It’s much like a marathon. Don’t make it a sprint. Take it slow. And, when you do get overwhelmed—and you will—just pause, breathe, take a break. You got this